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I had the opportunity to testify before the United States Congress last week. I was a witness at a hearing for the House Select Subcommittee on the Weaponization of the Federal Government.  

As I read my opening statement, I described several of the investigations I participated in as an FBI Special Agent. When I looked down at my prepared remarks and saw the words, "Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting in Parkland, Florida," tears came to my eyes and my voice cracked and quivered. I could not contain my raw emotion as the memories of that horrific day unexpectedly came rushing back.   

Five years after this tragic event, it still pierces my soul knowing that each of the victim’s families has a wound that will likely never heal.  

As a law enforcement officer mental toughness is essential but so is offering empathy and compassion towards those we serve.  I never wanted to get to the point where I became hardened or numb to feeling the gravity of the work I performed.  Throughout the course of my FBI career, I was tough yet managed to remain tender-hearted.     

FATHER OF PARKLAND SHOOTING VICTIM SPEAKS OUT ON TRAGIC ANNIVERSARY: 'CRIMINALS DON’T OBEY GUN LAWS'

The week before the Parkland school shooting tragedy was a busy time for FBI Miami. The FBI Director was coming to town to speak at a large scale public Diversity Agent Recruitment Event at a local hotel in Fort Lauderdale. Potential FBI agent candidates were invited.   

FILE – Linda Beigel Schulman, Michael Schulman, Patricia Padauy Oliver and Fred Guttenberg, family members of the victims, hug inside the courtroom for an expected verdict in the penalty phase of the trial of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooter Nikolas Cruz at the Broward County Courthouse in Fort Lauderdale, Florida on October 13, 2022. - Cruz, who shot and killed 17 people at a Florida high school in 2018, planned and carried out a "systematic massacre," a prosecutor arguing for the death penalty said. 

FILE – Linda Beigel Schulman, Michael Schulman, Patricia Padauy Oliver and Fred Guttenberg, family members of the victims, hug inside the courtroom for an expected verdict in the penalty phase of the trial of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooter Nikolas Cruz at the Broward County Courthouse in Fort Lauderdale, Florida on October 13, 2022. - Cruz, who shot and killed 17 people at a Florida high school in 2018, planned and carried out a "systematic massacre," a prosecutor arguing for the death penalty said. 

It was a rare occurrence for the FBI Director to visit the division. His attendance demonstrated his dedication to the FBI’s diversity recruiting efforts as a top priority. Everything needed to be perfect. It was a relief to successfully make it through his visit.   

Little did we know that the most tragic event South Florida had ever experienced would occur the following week. The stress faced in preparing for the diversity recruiting event and the Director’s visit would pale in comparison to the horror that was soon to unfold.  

It was February 14, 2018. Valentine’s Day. A day for love and happiness. I was an FBI Special Agent assigned to Miami’s Violent Crime squad. One of my responsibilities was to serve as the Crimes on the High Seas Coordinator.  

That Wednesday afternoon I was at the office of a cruise line conducting an annual training for employees who had flown in from all over the world.   

These victims’ family members were complete strangers to me but yet I felt a love, respect and reverence toward each of them.    

At around 2:40 pm, my FBI phone rang notifying me of a new message. It was an email from one of the task force officers on my Violent Crime squad asking if anyone knew about a school shooting. I assumed it was a false alarm since we received those from time to time. But after working the Fort Lauderdale Airport shooting one year previous, I knew anything was possible.    

After a flurry of additional emails and calls came through, it was confirmed there had been a mass shooting with fatalities at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. My heart broke.    

5th Anniversary Of School Shooting At Stoneman Douglas High School In Parkland, Florida

Photos of the 17 people killed during the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School mass shooting are displayed on the 5th anniversary of the shooting on Feb. 14, 2023 in Pine Trails Park in Parkland, Florida. (Saul Martinez/Getty Images)

My boss instructed me to immediately report to the school. I apologized to the employees at the cruise line and told them that I must leave in order to respond to an active shooter incident.    

As I drove up the freeway, I attempted to mentally prepare myself for what I may see upon arrival at the crime scene. My FBI phone continued to ring off the hook with new messages and calls. Family, friends and colleagues were reaching out as they learned of the tragedy from the news and assumed I would be responding to the scene just as I had so many other times with violent crimes in South Florida. But this one would be worse than all the others.  

As I got closer to the school, there was a line of marked and unmarked police cars with activated lights and sirens exiting off the freeway. It was a powerful sight to see so many rushing to the scene in an effort to provide assistance.    

When I arrived at the school, to be expected, it was chaotic. Law enforcement officers from various departments swarmed the area. Command posts and plans were being established.   

PARKLAND VICTIMS' FAMILIES FACE SHOOTER FOR THE LAST TIME: 'LET THIS CREATURE BE ERASED'

Students and staff were expeditiously exiting the school in single file lines either with their hands up in the air or placed on the shoulders of the person in front of them. The shooter was still on the loose and it was crucial that they were brought to safety. They were visibly shaken with disbelief and fear in their countenances.

Parkland school shooting anniversary

PARKLAND, FL - FEBRUARY 14: A woman visits a memorial with photos of the 17 people killed in the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School mass shooting on the fifth anniversary at Pine Trails Park on February 14, 2023 in Parkland, Florida. On February 14, 2018, 14 students and three staff members were killed during a mass shooting at the school. (Photo by Saul Martinez/Getty Images)

In the sea of people, I managed to find my boss and fellow squad mates. Because it was a local matter, the Broward County Sheriff’s Office (BSO) took the lead on the investigation. The FBI was there to provide federal resources and any assistance BSO requested.   

Shortly after arriving, I partnered up with a BSO homicide detective that I had worked with just one year prior at the Fort Lauderdale Airport shooting. He and I worked side by side throughout the day, night and into the early morning the following day. 

Around 3:30 pm we were notified that the shooter had been identified and detained by a heroic Coconut Creek Police Department officer about two miles from the school.  

The BSO Detective and I left the school and drove together over to the Marriott Hotel on Herron Bay Boulevard about a mile away. It was designated as the witness interview site and reunification center for students and their parents. Tragically, for 17 families, there would never be any reunification with their loved one.    

The students were bussed from the school to the hotel. They were met by law enforcement officers conducting interviews.  Many students recounted the dark tragedies they witnessed that day, others described the heroic efforts of their teachers and fellow classmates. Sadly, some were covered in the blood of their friends and classmates who had been shot.  

I will never forget a student who described her geography teacher Mr. Beigel as being the greatest hero who saved many lives.    

She explained he was fatally shot right before hers and her classmates’ eyes.    

No human being should ever have to witness anything of this nature let alone a teenage student at their own high school.    

Parkland condolence letter

A letter is pictured during a spiritual service for the victims of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting, on the fifth anniversary of the massacre, in Parkland, Florida, on February 14, 2023. 

On the outside, I kept it together but inside, my soul was shattered knowing what these students must have endured.    

I was working in the World Financial Center adjacent to the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. I saw evil up close that day just as these students did on February 14, 2018. I empathized with them.  I knew they had just witnessed a shocking nightmare that their minds were not yet able to process. For many, their friends, classmates and teachers were murdered only feet or even inches away from them.   

While many parents were relieved to arrive at the hotel to pick up their child, other parents were not so fortunate. Family members who had not been reunited with their loved one went through agonizing hours anxiously waiting at the hotel for updates. Their living hell had just begun. It was excruciating as they were shuffled multiple times from one meeting room to another.  

I felt horrible that I was not able to provide them with the answers they so desperately wanted. But I knew the law enforcement personnel at the school were diligently working to process the crime scene and positively identify each victim.    

Each family held onto hope that their loved one was still alive thinking maybe they had not shown up at the hotel or responded to phone calls or text messages because they were injured and were receiving medical care at a nearby hospital.    

I knew that I was about to ruin lives and deliver the worst possible news a loved one could ever imagine. But I had taken an oath to protect and serve my country.  It was time to step up to the line.    

Law enforcement continued to ask those who had not yet heard from their loved one to submit photos. Sadly, I knew that these photos would likely be used to assist in identifying the fallen who lay dead on the school floors.    

As time progressed the crowd at the hotel dwindled, and it became apparent that those family members who were still there would probably never see their loved one alive again.    

PARKLAND DAD SLAMS BIDEN: 'DON'T USE MY DAUGHTER'S DEATH TO ADVANCE YOUR POLITICAL AGENDA'

The remaining families and friends gathered in the hotel’s ballroom where they huddled, providing support for one another as they patiently continued to await any sort of update. I spoke with several of the families throughout the course of the day and night. I felt crushed for them. 

Later in the evening, it appeared that the FBI’s role at the hotel was completed, and I was excused from my responsibilities there.    

Around midnight, I left the hotel and went back to the school. Upon arrival, I spoke with those in the command post and explained that the families at the hotel were anxiously awaiting any news regarding their loved one.  

Parkland service

People attend a spiritual service for the victims of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting, on the fifth anniversary of the massacre, in Parkland, Florida, on February 14, 2023. - Seventeen people were killed and another seventeen were injured after a 19 year old former student opened fire at the school on February 14, 2018.

The names of the victims had been identified. For me, this was the most heartbreaking and dreadful part of the tragedy.  

I was asked by the BSO sergeant who had the list of the names of the deceased to accompany him back to the hotel to assist with identifying the families of the fallen since he knew I had been in communication with them throughout the ordeal.  So, I did.  

Immediately upon walking into the hotel, I was approached by Attorney General Pam Bondi. I had never met her before but as a Florida resident, I always admired her work.     

I had great appreciation for the fact that she quickly arrived at the scene. It was evident she genuinely cared for the victims’ families.      

We spoke and she asked me to assist with conducting death notifications.    

My heart sank. I was not sure how I would have the strength to perform the most difficult task a law enforcement officer is ever asked to do. Most FBI Agents do not have to conduct a single death notification in their career.  To be part of a mass incident with many deaths, I knew it would not be easy.    

I said a silent prayer to God and a feeling of peace and comfort and unknown strength came over me.    

I knew that I was about to ruin lives and deliver the worst possible news a loved one could ever imagine. But I had taken an oath to protect and serve my country.  It was time to step up to the line.    

POLITICIANS EXPRESS CONDOLENCES ON FIVE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF PARKLAND SHOOTING

One by one, myself and the BSO detective went into the ballroom and called each family individually back to designated rooms. Several victim assistance coordinators were also present to provide support to the families.  

Over and over and over and over we had to crush families’ hearts and shatter their dreams of a future life with their loved one. It was devastating to look into each person’s face and their hopeless, sad eyes. They were destroyed. 

The sorrow and horror were deep. No one deserves to lose their family member.   

Why? Why did this have to happen? Why their loved one?    

I did my best to maintain my composure but I too broke down in tears. I was an FBI agent but still, I am human.    

These victims’ family members were complete strangers to me but yet I felt a love, respect and reverence toward each of them.    

Their pain was tangible. They each responded in their own way. We did the best we could to provide comfort and support, but nothing we could say or do would alleviate their unbearable suffering.  This tragedy was just so wrong and incomprehensible.    

Innocent souls with bright futures were killed at the hand of evil.   

Five years later, these families continue to live with a gaping hole in their lives from the loss of their angels whom I believe are now in heaven.    

As an FBI Special Agent, it was my job to show up and be strong for these families but they, in fact, are the ones to give me strength as I have quietly observed their ability to pick up the painful pieces and keep going.  That is the power and resolve of the human spirit. 

I am inspired to see time and time again how these victims’ families spread light, hope and goodness in the wake of this tragedy. Many have dedicated their time, energy and efforts into making a positive difference in this world. I continue to pray for each of these families that they can feel peace even in the darkness. 

The students who were injured and witnessed the horror of their classmates and teachers being murdered exemplify resiliency, as well, as they too press forward.   

The law enforcement officers who cleared the school and processed the crime scene have unspeakable images seared in their minds forever. The trauma is real. But they fulfilled their duties for the love of their communities and for love of country.  

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The day after the shooting, it came to light that the killer had been brought to the attention of the FBI.  On February 15, 2018 the Bureau held a press conference and confirmed it had received and looked into a tip.

Parkland Memorial

People visit the memorial for the victims of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting in Parkland, Florida, that killed 17 people, on the fifth anniversary of the massacre on February 14, 2023. - Seventeen people were killed and another seventeen were injured after a 19 year old former student opened fire at the school on February 14, 2018. (Photo by CHANDAN KHANNA / AFP) (Photo by CHANDAN KHANNA/AFP via Getty Images)

According to the Marjory Stoneman Douglas (MSD) High School Public Safety Commission Report, the FBI had received two tips regarding the killer. One of them was a detailed 13-minute phone call on January 5, 2018.  It was from a family friend of the shooter who had concerns he may perpetrate a school shooting.  The tip was closed out without further investigation by any local FBI field office.  

Additionally, there was another tip on September 25, 2017, when a civilian from Mississippi noticed a post made on YouTube by the killer who said he was going to be the next school shooter. This tip was forwarded to the local FBI office in Mississippi.  After conducting an interview, no legal process was served to further identify the poster and the tip was closed out. 

Although I had no part in responding to or knowledge of these tips, I felt a tremendous sense of guilt. I had just told the victims’ families the day before that their loved one was dead. Then I learned that the agency I worked for had received tips regarding this killer. 

We will never know if the two tips provided to the FBI had been more thoroughly investigated if this school shooting could have been prevented.    

Family members of Parkland school shooting victims react during trial of Nikolas Cruz

FILE – From left; Abby Hoyer, Tom and Gena Hoyer, and Michael Schulman react during the reading of jury instructions in the penalty phase of the trial of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooter Nikolas Cruz at the Broward County Courthouse in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. on Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2022. The Hoyer's son, Luke, and Schulman's son, Scott Beigel, were killed in the 2018 shootings. Abby Hoyer is Luke Hoyer's sister. Cruz previously plead guilty to all 17 counts of premeditated murder and 17 counts of attempted murder in the 2018 shootings. (Amy Beth Bennett/South Florida Sun Sentinel via AP, Pool)

According to a New York Post article dated March 16, 2022, the Department of Justice paid out approximately $128 million to the victims’ families. But no amount of money can ever take away the infinite pain of losing your precious loved one. As noted in the MSD Commission Report, after this tragedy, the Bureau reviewed the tip line process and made substantial and significant changes to procedures for investigating potential threats to life.   

I personally know the agents and task force officers in the Miami Division assigned to investigate the threat to life tips. They work tirelessly around the clock and do a phenomenal job keeping our communities safe.  

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I pray that this tragic anniversary serves as a reminder to the FBI to steadfastly focus on the actual threats facing Americans. The work of the Bureau is vital. A lot is at stake. It is an enormous amount of pressure to get it right every time. If the FBI does not perform its duties properly, or loses sight of its mission and priorities, it is possible that people could die.    

Alyssa Alhadeff, Scott Beigel, Martin Duque Anguiano, Nicholas Dworet, Aaron Feis, Jaime Guttenberg, Christopher Hixon, Luke Hoyer, Cara Loughran, Gina Montalto, Joaquin Oliver, Alaina Petty, Meadow Pollack, Helena Ramsay, Alexander Schachter, Carmen Schentrup, Peter Wang – You will never be forgotten. 

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE FROM NICOLE PARKER