GREG GUTFELD: As long as 'we're in this melting pot together,' civil war isn't possible

Happy Monday. It's starting to look like fall. I don't get it. It's a bunch of trees with dead leaves. If I wanted to see things that are both living and dead, I'll just stare into Jesse Watters' eyes. Oh, what, you're fans?

 So, you've been hearing from the media about domestic terror and perhaps even a coming civil war. It's all baloney. Kat's marriage is fine. So let's debunk the bunk. First, you're only being called terrorists because that's all they can call you, so get used to it. I get called a toxic male all the time. It's crazy. I mean, you dismember one postman.

But they try to erase our message by demonizing the messenger. Trump's Hitler. DeSantis is a Nazi. Shannon Bream is evil. We know that's true. We do do this, but our hearts aren't really into it. And we don't control the bullhorn. They do. So when a Democrat asks for more funding for stupid crap, sure, we'll call them socialists. And when they shake invisible hands with somebody, we'll call them senile. 

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Clap? How dare you? And when they want more than just sex ed in schools, we call them groomers. To be fair, some of them turned out to be true. 

JOE BIDEN: We go back a long way. She was 12. I was 30. But anyway. 

I'm glad he didn't complete that sentence. He'd be serving a sentence. And now there's talk of civil war. According to CBS reporter Major Garrett. No relation to Mrs. Garrett on 'The Facts of Life,' although the likeness is uncanny. He claims that America is on the brink of civil war, which is not entirely hysterical if you never go outside and you always live your life on social media. You know, at times, I feel just like him. But then I get off Twitter and I walk outside and I see that everything is cool. And then I run back inside because I forgot that I was naked. But let's face it, even going outside in New York City can be unsettling and make you think of war. Sometimes I'll find a transient pleasuring himself in the garden, but I hear that's good for the soil. 

So why is Garrett, again no relation to Mrs. Garrett of 'The Facts of Life,' claiming the odds are favoring civil war? Well, there are two reasons. One, he has a book out, and you can't sell a book saying everything is going to be okay. 

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Well, she can. Hell, she could write a book saying kittens tastes just like chicken, and it'll go to number one. It's one of the many reasons why I hate her. That and her incessant, filthy trash talking mouth.

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But the other reason for Major Garrett, again, no relation to Mrs. Garrett from 'The Facts of Life,' is that he might be alone more than he should be. He's drawing its conclusions from outside his own family and friends, pulling them from the ether of the stupid Internet. The place where teens learn to eat laundry detergent. And where it's easy to create the most frightening existential threat you'll ever see. Yes. 

But anyone with lots of different friends would shoot down this theory in seconds because there is no uniformly red or blue groups. I mean, there are exceptions. But what a bunch of liberals. But most families are mixed, much like our companies, our communities, our hot tub orgies at Kudlow's compound in that abandoned subway tunnel. That's why he's smiling. Thinking that Americans would kill each other over politics, which I've even said once or twice, is probably wrong. 

 Now when I really want to make an obvious point, what do I do? Well, I turn to one person.

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Yeah. He's not just a client of the obvious. He's the President. Sorry. I got confused with the hair club for men. But if you watch 'The Five,' you know Jesse's family is a mix of left and right. They're like the Baldwins with less chance of gunplay. During the show, his mom texts pointed defenses of liberalism while chastising her son for conservative commentary. I believe Jesse's dad is a headmaster, his sister a liberal dean at a liberal college, which is really redundant. And yet Jesse is a right-winger. He's the black sheep. No offense to the black sheep community. I'm friends with sheep of all colors. And in what way? That's none of your business. Call me later, Cottonball.

So how do you have a civil war when everyone is mixed up with each other? It's the question that keeps Joe Biden's speechwriters up at night. I mean, I suppose you could have two turkeys on Thanksgiving and stuff one with rat poison. But who wants to go through all that work of cooking two birds and only one is going to get completely eaten? But as long as we're in this melting pot together, it's just not possible. You might love a liberal, and a liberal might love you because without bitching about you, a liberal really doesn't have a life. 

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And politics isn't everything. It's not even close. We place so many things above politics. Family, friends, my ego. So how can creeps start a civil war when family and friendship matters more? Well, it's obvious. It will be the creeps without family and friendship. 

And they'll use race to do it. Because if you can't break people up based on politics or class, race is the best and last resort. It's the catalyst for the riots, which were like mini civil wars, except no one fought back. So the Democrats and the media see that and think, 'Why not go with a proven formula?' Race is the chosen avenue for discord because the others allow for crossover.

Maybe this is why you're seeing this new segregation being pushed by the Left in schools. Separate classes for nonwhite students, separate graduations, separate dorms. Because if people mix, well, you might eliminate that road to conflict. 

But while we may be in a period of uncivility, it's not because of you or me. It's because there are other miserable people who find meaning and anger. It's activists, it's media, it's politicians. It can help their careers. It gets them clicks and followers and retweets. And it might scare you enough to buy a book. To which I say: save your hard-earned money and spend it on something more worthwhile, like my next book.