Finally. We're back in the studio.
True, it's still different.
We're seated a half-mile from each other and we've all been shellacked with high-gloss disinfectant. I'm also wearing hazmat underwear. But hey, any underwear is always nice.
This feels a little like going back to school after a long summer in rehab. You didn’t see your friends for months and spent way too much time on hobbies -- like making leather chaps for Lou Dobbs.
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You spent so much time with your family they wanted to kill you. And tried, twice.
Lots happened.
I lost weight.
Jesse lost hair.
Dana's dog lost his mind. --I mean, how many selfies does one woman need?
And now that we're back here, Juan finally has to wear pants.
OK, he doesn't have to, but he's always polite.
The fact is, no one knew how long this separation would last, so we greatly appreciate you, our loyal audience, for sticking with us while we broadcast from odd places.
Some of us sat in paneled vans, others sat in Speedos in living rooms while dogs barked or trains whistled by.
Where we once had casual Fridays, we had comatose weekends.
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The results were mixed; there were tape delays and glitches,
which made us sound like Joe Biden waiting for his teleprompter to catch up.
Like Joe, sometimes it didn't always make sense, but that's why God invented tequila.
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Still, our ratings soared. We were lucky to be working through this challenging time and we're grateful you were with us.
You kept us employed and reminded us where we lived.
So, how excited are we to be back? Here's how we entered the studio today – like a very happy dog running to sit on a favorite chair.
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So we're glad to be back and glad you're here.
Too bad there's nothing to talk about!
Adapted from Greg Gutfeld's monologue on "The Five" on September 21, 2020.